I don’t much care for Scientists and I am of the opinion If you want a cure for cancer, Aids, Ebola or Global Warming you should either make Scientists work on Commission only basis, or even better just give the task to a Car Salesman! 

I hear the academics amongst you shouting at your PC, “I’ve never heard such a load of rubbish in all my life Baz” most Car Salesmen are thick and only do it because they can’t do anything else but bear with me and in due course I will explain.


If you give a bunch of Scientists a disease or an illness to cure, they have no deadline to work to unless they are personally invested, with a friend, or family member suffering. So they will fuck about at their leisure until they accidentally stumble across a cure for something which is usually a completely unrelated random issue that bears no relevance to the task that they were assigned!

Can you imagine what would happen if you went to pick your new car up from a garage and they said “I know you ordered a blue Mercedes E Class Automatic but I’ve got you a Green C Class manual Instead”, or “I know you brought your car in for us to repair the Oil Leak but we couldn’t do it so we put new tyres on”, you wouldn’t be happy, would you? But that’s what scientists do all the time.

Penicillin was only discovered because Alexander Fleming forgot to wash the pots before he went on holiday.


The fastest-selling drug of all time UK92480 the little blue pill more commonly known as Viagra was accidentally discovered by a team of scientist whose primary goal was to cure Angina. Yep! they were actually looking to eradicate a Heart Problem, and they invented a Boner Pill by mistake.

If you’ll forgive the pun, I’m afraid there is no upside for the guys with angina, as to add insult to injury anyone with a dodgy ticker is expressly forbidden to take Viagra as one of the side effects is that it can cause a Heart Attack. Even worse If they’re not trying to cure something they just do a study on something else that in the scheme of things has no importance and nobody gives a shit about.

that also reminds me of a joke to which the punchline  is

(Doctor Replying to Patient) “Report me for what?  All I said was that the results of your check-ups show that you’re suffering from hearing loss, and your Wife has acute angina! “


Salesman (Me)

I am going to use me as an example, I have had very little schooling, I’ve been in the Car Job all my life and I’m still single. Since I consider myself to be a nice bloke I can only think that it’s because I have been very bad in a previous life or there is a higher power setting me a series of challenges which I must complete before I find a partner and settle down, nothing in my life ever goes smoothly especially a first date, but unlike the Scientists, I refuse to be beaten or settle for something else, and I never give up!  

I have 2 mottos which I truly believe

“Life’s hard and then you die”


“Women, you can’t live with them,”  (That’s all I’ve got so far)

here are just a couple of tribulations that would defeat a Scientist but I have had to overcome in pursuit of whatever my destiny holds in store.

I had driven home at warp speed, got showered, changed into my best clothes, applied a liberal amount of aftershave and was now heading the 18 miles back to Preston to pick up a girl for our first date. I was driving my Vauxhall Cavalier Demonstrator and had just gotten to the traffic lights at Freckleton when I heard a Pop in the engine bay and the car ground to a halt. It was pissing down and never thinking when I set off that I may need an Oilskin or Overalls for my date, I had just come out in a shirt and pants, I hadn’t even got a Jacket with me. The only thing I had in the car was a plastic seat cover which I placed over my head and got out to examine the engine and try to repair it.

Vauxhall Cavaliers had several inherent faults, the kind which now would cause an uproar in the press and on the internet but then in those days, we weren’t a country of compensation seeking whinger’s and the Car Industry just fixed them asap.  When I lifted the bonnet I could see the problem was immediately apparent, it wasn’t one I had come across before and at the time I didn’t know what had caused it or how it would occur. The car’s distributor cap had exploded into about 100 pieces.

The exact cause came to light over the next few months as we were called out to more cars that had suffered the same fault and had broken down, it transpired that on some cars petrol fumes from the engine were leaking back up the vacuum advance and retard pipe, they would build up inside the distributor until they were ignited by a spark from the points and blow the dizzy cap to smithereens. 

I had assumed that the only explanation for my distributor cap exploding was a Thunderbolt had been sent from the heavens to cock me up and I was swearing and cursing my luck. Most people would have called the AA or a Garage or just left the car and got a Taxi home, but I was going on a date nothing and nobody was going to stop me. I have never stood anyone up in my life, sure due to circumstances beyond my control I’ve been late lots of times but never stood them up.

I wasn’t too far from an Esso Petrol Station, I knew they had a workshop and were bound to have a Distributer Cap in stock but despite my best efforts I failed to convey the importance of my date to the young lad who was behind the counter, it seemed that his mission in life was to switch  petrol pumps on, take as long as possible to do it while people clicked angrily at the nozzles, apparently selling parts and helping people wasn’t his job.

I weighed up my rapidly diminishing options Plan B was to pinch a distributor cap off a car from Georges Garage and leave him an IOU, but he was on the main road  and was just across from the Police Station, the way my luck was going I’d end up in a cell until George turned up to say that he knew me and I wasn’t a Thief but I was an idiot.

Plan A Was to put my Motor knowledge and my Motor Skills to good use, I had always been great at Jigsaw puzzles and making Airfix models. I had been equidistant between the Petrol Station and the local Spar when I broke down and although the Spar wouldn’t stock motor spares I thought that if I could buy a torch and a tube of superglue I would be on my way in no time at all,

As I Stood in front of a bemused cashier with a seat cover over my head already drenched and looking like a drowned rat, I discovered that the people of Freckleton must eat a lot of carrots and never break anything as they had neither item in the store. Like a Roll CalI I reeled off several brand names of other glues which would also do the job but would take longer to cure thereby delaying my date even further, Araldite? No, Evo Stick? No, Airfix? No, Unibond No, ok I said perhaps we could save a little time here, what Glues do you have? it was my turn to say “No” to the Pritt Stick Non-Sticky, Sticky Stuff, and the Solvite Wallpaper Paste. 

I desperately scoured the shelves for Items that I could use then went to the checkout to pay for my New Pink (only colour they had) Pakamac Raincoat, a Packet of Plasticine, a roll of Sellotape, and a Jumbo Pack of assorted Elastic Bands then I returned to my car.

The only light I had to work by would be the headlights and I knew that I wouldn’t have long before they would drain the battery, even if my repair worked there was a possibility that there wouldn’t be enough power left to engage the starter motor and turn the engine over until it fired.

I selected the flamethrower setting on my Ronson Varatronic quartz piezoelectric gas lighter, making a mental note to remember to turn it down again before I lit my next John Player Special King Size and napalmed my fringe and eyebrows. I clicked the switch then wrapped Sellotape around it to hold it in place so the flame wouldn’t extinguish, stuck the lighter to the floor, using a piece of Plasticine, then I set about arranging  the exploded distributor cap fragments into size and some semblance of order.

It wasn’t long before the gas in my lighter had run out, but I had managed to make a framework with the bigger pieces, wrapping elastic bands round in all directions to hold them together. I turned the headlights on and furiously started to put the smaller bits in place, the elastic band construction worked better than superglue as it gave a certain amount of flexibility allowing me to maneuver and squeeze the more intricate pieces into place, as I completed a section I would form the plasticine around the outside to encase it so it wouldn’t collapse.

I carefully fastened the Frankenstein of Distributer caps back into place, rushed to the driver’s seat and turned the ignition key. Unbelievably the engine burst into life, it was misfiring like a bitch but undeterred I set off on my date.

God 0 Barrie 1

I like to think that I learn from all situations and from that day to this I never leave the house without a torch in my pocket, a waterproof jacket and jump pack in the boot of my car and even though I haven’t had a cigarette for about 30 years I always carry a full lighter in my pocket.

I was out with my mate one night, and we were just forcing our way through the packed lounge, making our way towards the bar, it was the place where the “In-Crowd” went, it was a Beautiful Summers night, the Pub was packed to the Gunnels, everyone in there was sweltering hot, and we were all too shallow and stupid to find somewhere that had air conditioning. I could feel sweat beading on my forehead, I stuck my bottom lip out and exhaled sharply directing a cooling breeze up my own face, I probably looked like a retard (ok more of a retard than usual), Just as I’d done it I noticed a girl who had earlier in the week been to see a used car that was for sale at the garage where I worked, as I squeezed past her. I smiled and made an off the cuff remark, I was being ironic when I said “Warm Enough?”

After my subtle icebreaker, we got talking and arranged to go out on a double date with my best mate and hers. The date didn’t go as smoothly as I had planned, mainly because as we were just about to set off to pick them up we realised that neither of us had paid any attention to where they lived. As we tried our best to remember the directions, all my mate could recall was number 6 and that the road was named after a tree or a leaf, my contribution to the puzzle was that she drove a Mini Metro’ it was the kind of nonspecific information that a Fortune Teller would give you, knowing that you could make it relate to just about anything you wanted to. However when I valued her car as a part exchange I had checked the service history and I could remember the name of the garage that had stamped the service book, this at least was a definite.

Hopefully, she had her car serviced near her home or else this was going to be a very long night, unperturbed and never beaten we started at the garage and drove round in ever-increasing left turn circles looking for a road named after a tree or a leaf, with a No 6 house that had a Mini Metro parked up.

As luck would have it she lived in Leyland about 2 miles from the British Leyland Factory, and the biggest British Leyland Car Dealer in the UK, everyone who lived there either worked for or knew someone at BL who could get 30% Discount off any British Leyland Car, you have no idea how many fucking people had a Mini Metro up their drive and how many roads in Leyland-ii-Ville are named after trees

We were an hour and a half late arriving at her house it WAS number 6, in a road named after a tree, there was a Metro up the drive, but we knew this was the right house as the front curtains kept twitching and had 2 fuming girls taking it in turns to stare out of the front window.

Long story short on this occasion I wish I had been of the Scientist Mentality and settled for a night out with my mate instead. As far as chat up lines go I went back to my old faithful  “So, do you like Chinese” “Warm Enough” was retired as it caused way too much trouble that particular night and for several months afterwards !

       If you have seen the “Laminated List” Episode of Friends you will know where I am going with this story. Things weren’t good at home, I was living with a girl who was driving me mad and I was looking to bail out, unfortunately, it was my house.

I was out with my mates, we’d all had a couple of beers and I was lamenting my tales of woe to them when I noticed a very beautiful young lady smiling in my direction from across the room, not believing my luck I casually checked over my shoulder just to make sure she was smiling at me and not some guy behind me, when I looked back she was already heading in my direction. She stopped right in front of me, in the centre of our gathering and said “Barrie, you don’t remember me do you” A bit lost for words I said, “I couldn’t possibly know you, as there is no way I would forget someone as good looking as you are” to which all my mates responded with a groan, and one pretended to stick his fingers down his throat and be sick.

I’m A##### ‘s little Sister, I had a big crush on you when you were going out with her, she said, this had gotten all my Mates full attention, so quick mental calculation, approximately 10 years ago she’d have been about 12 when I last dated her Sister, she’d now be the same age as I was then. I grabbed her arm and shepherded her to a quiet corner, where she proceeded to ask me out on a date.

When I went back to my Mates I relayed the story, they were all like guys are when they’re drunk, one unhelpfully pointed out that it was usually my Girlfriends who were mental and not their Sisters, he added “it must run in their family”. The mood of our Boys Night out had changed and again collectively and as one they all turned and looked at her like a clan of meerkat’s then looked back at me and said “Baz you’ve got to!”

However, another Mate who at that moment in time decided to represent the Department of the F###### obvious put a damper on the nights events by chiming up and saying “ Your Girlfriends not going to like it if you do!”.

There was a deadly silence for a few minutes until one of them said, I’ve got a plan, everybody groaned again, he usually had the same train of thought as Edmund Blackadders manservant Baldrick, and his plans were about as successful “ I was clutching at straws though so reluctantly I said “Go on then let’s hear it” and this was it.

“We could pretend you’ve signed for a local football team” —- WHAT! How the F### is that going to help?” but then the plan gained momentum and the rest of my mates joined in the alcohol-fuelled subterfuge “Yeah that’s it, you could say you had to train a few nights a week, and have an away fixture every fortnight so you could stay out, She’ll never suspect a thing!”

The spokesman for the department of the obvious spoke again “What if your girlfriend wants to watch a match?” this negged everybody out until we were refueled with another round of Boddingtons Bitter

An emergency plan was quickly formulated we would need another 21 guys on standby to make up the 2 opposing teams, a couple of sponsored kits, the Keys to Preston North Ends stadium, and a representative crowd who could turn out at a moment’s notice, all this was dismissed as a minor setback that could easily be surmounted

One of the guys was friends with the Sports reporter who worked on the Evening paper, and said he could get him to write a fictitious match report and some flattering headlines to add substance to my cover story

As the Beer flowed so did the suggested headlines there was a reference made to the move I often used when we were playing 5 aside to get around a defender, it was a kind of mixture between blind optimism, a nutmeg, a Johan Cruyff Turn, a Ronaldo Step Over and a Blatant Foul, after I did it in a match, my best mate had sarcastically christened it the “Cramptona Twizzle” he told the story adding that I was born with it, and it was too dangerous to teach to others as if it was done wrong your legs rubbed together so fast that the friction could set your shorts on fire! then he crossed his eyes and held his pint up to his ear and pretended to drink it.

The headlines evolved, to cover the rest of my upcoming Imaginary Season.

Crampton scores Hat Trick on Debut

Crampton voted Man of the Match

Crampton made Captain

Crampton scores in dying seconds to earn replay

Crampton Strike secures place in Semi-Final

Crampton’s side lift Trophy!

City move to sign Crampton for record fee!

If I’m honest by now I’d got swept along with the story and I had forgotten that the whole thing was invented so that I Could go out on a date and I said, “Make that United, I wouldn’t be seen dead playing for City.”

Only to be slapped down by the Department of the Obvious Spokesman, “Don’t be stupid no one in their right mind would believe United wanted to sign you!” after 5 Pints of Boddingtons that was his line in the sand!

I must admit that the next morning the plan didn’t seem quite as foolproof, but I did learn 2 valuable lessons that I can now pass on to my readers.

  1. “A pissed off Woman does better detective work than the FBI”
  2. “you only regret the things you don’t do!”If they don’t reach their target then it’s a black mark against them or another nail in their current job coffin, usually Sales Targets are unrealistic and you’re living on your nerves trying to eek a deal out of nothing.So if you want something doing as fast as humanly possible and against all odds, give the task to a Horny Salesman with a group of drunken mates!     
  3. Tipsy Guys, can by discourse solve any problem and surmount any obstacle in the World before closing time.
  4. A Horny Guy has a single focus, and like a Cruise Missile he will not deviate from his intended target, till he reaches it or gets blown out of the sky
  5. Salesmen have one goal, they are conditioned to work to targets, and deadlines, but as soon as they reach a target, they don’t get a Nobel Peace Prize or a write up in some Medical Journal and live of their 1 win for the rest of their lives, come month-end the slates wiped clean, or the targets increased if you’ve hit it, and the clock starts ticking all over again.
  6. Here is my closing argument
  7. You’re Welcome!